My dear naivete and blindness, you remind me of when I recently taught all day & when I picked up my daughter after school—she said—“Mom, why do you have marker on your face?”.
I have only 2 things to thank you for:
- My children—to be raised in a secure fairytale world, where my husband adored me and I believed we were both “all in” and he would never, ever hurt me.
- Years of reprieve from the ocean of pain of the reality of the years of betrayal & addiction.
Now I have taken my rose-colored glasses off…and I see so many years of hurt, lies, deception, and betrayal that are so hard to wrap my mind around because I really allowed myself to live in a fairy world. I really thought my reality was “the reality”…except when I felt the inkling that “something just does not seem right” but I couldn’t figure it out for the life of me, so I just went right back to my fairy world and stayed there because of you—& I gave my husband all the keys to my heart, & my mind, & my body…
But now I am awake, with eyes open, grounded in my reality, swimming in my ocean of pain, and thankful nonetheless.
I will make the choice to connect or disconnect with my husband with my eyes open and grounded in my reality with what I call my 5 A’s:
- Awake to the years of betrayal & addiction and myriad of complexities
- Aware of his behaviors that confirm or disconfirm his efforts and commitment to recovery
- Attuned to trust my gut
- Attentive to when my boundaries are honored or ignored
- Alert to the times when he is unsafe
Goodbye My Naivete and Blindness…I will no longer walk in darkness. I choose to walk in the light.
If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 1 John 1:6-8
