The addiction has taken a total of nearly 17 years-the entirety of our marriage. Someone recently asked me how many years I have been married. I honestly could not come up with it. I was stuck on year 14. It is as if time has stood still, frozen at fourteen, but oh it has drip, dripped, dribbled…the past 3 ½ years.
How can I even put into words “the impact”…
Impact on our marriage
Impact on the kids
Polluted ministry together in the past and in the present
Distorted and confused of my sense of reality
Shattered my trust
Took advantage of my body
Took advantage of my innocence and naivete
Took advantage of my trusting nature
Conned, deceived, lied, & manipulated to remain in the driver seat
Controlled me
Sabotaged our marriage
Sabotaged my relationship with our children
Veiled the truth
Ruptured our attachment bond
Made the path for new lies, new pain, new trauma, new confusion, and new destruction.
Allowed anger and rage to reign
Sanctioned verbal and emotional abuse
Irrational Justification
Denial
Told me I am of no value
Objectified my body
Kept you in chains of shame
Chained me, broke me
Broken heart, broken body, broken vows
Held you hostage from being present
Consumed 3 years of my life with ruminating thoughts of betrayal and sex addiction, hyper-vigilance, investigating truth, fearing for the safety of myself and the children
Robbed me of my sleep, my safety, my reality, my health, my emotional well being, my attachment bond with the 1 person I committed my life and fidelity fully to…
It took my time and my attention and my health…precious moments away from our children.
What the addiction cannot take from me? My grit, my joy, my determination, my self-care, my quest to gain knowledge, wisdom, and understanding, my value to live in truth and in my reality, my relationship with God, our children, family, and friends, my will to still rise, my desire to thrive and flourish, my care and compassion for others, my work to heal, my love for my family, my mindset and beliefs, my hope, and my choice.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)
