How do I survive my marriage?
Tell myself everyday: I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, and I can’t control it.
Start walking 1 hour a day again.
It’s so hard for me because the answers to solve it are right there in front of me, but I can’t do a darn thing about it. I just have to sit back and watch him make his choices and be okay with it and learn how to live with it. It is like a thorn in the flesh that does not go away, but I have lived with this thorn when my brother died of suicide. I know what it feels like to live with a thorn in the flesh that never goes away.
How do I live with a sex addict?
This one is a tough one. How do I let my guard down when the person you are sleeping with is not the person you thought you knew. How do you live with a sex addict who has a secret sex world that you know nothing about? How can I get close to someone who has a secret sex world? These two things seem counterintuitive. The thing is, you know your intimate partner has a secret sex world, yet he doesn’t tell you what that is—so then you spend your time ruminating and obsessing over what it is or isn’t. How do I not ruminate or obsess over things that I don’t know? How do I live this life with a sex addict who has a secret world that I will never know about? I do I tell my brain to not think about this, but I cannot draw close to someone with secrets. How will this ever work?
Is it even possible to be safe in this environment?
How can I be safe when I am sleeping next to a person that has wronged me, yet has not told me how or when or to what extent. I just know he has been unfaithful. So how is this safe? Now, I feel unsafe because I don’t know what I don’t know.
How do I thrive in my unsafe environment?
I keep wanting to thrive. I keep asking this question. I ask for books, any book written by any person in my shoes…I have been told there is none by 2 experts in the field. There is none. 1 of the experts is writing a book herself, and the other told me I should write one. I told her in no uncertain terms that “this is not the book I want to write.” Yet, where are the women in the trenches, like me? Where are their voices? Are they thriving? Is it even possible to thrive? I am beginning to doubt that thriving is possible in this environment. I think surviving may be as good as good as it gets.
When there are secrets that have not been disclosed, and when there is a secret world that has not been told, and when you have someone vocalizing certain behaviors are harmful, yet that person continues to pursue those behaviors—how on earth can one thrive? I have been earnestly asking this question because I so want to thrive. Yet, how can you heal in a relationship where the person who has violated you wants to put you right back in the same place he has violated you in and there in that place – he asks you to trust him. Even though you have told him a thousand times, 10,000 times, a million times that this way is not the way to build trust. Yet, his answer to you, over and over again: “I can handle it. I can do this. I am not worried about this.” I continue to ask my counselor on weekly basis—how can I thrive? She finally said to me—-” It’s hard to thrive where there is no safety.” Finally, I am understanding this both internally and externally. I want to skip the step of safety because I really can’t do anything about that. I can’t change my environment. But truly, I recognize, it’s hard to stop the ruminating and obsessing when you have lived with lies and secrecy going on 4 years. It’s impossible, I have concluded. The only way to thriving is safety.
If I don’t have safety, how then shall I live?
This one I have not figured out. I listened to a podcast recently. “How to Stay Sane in a Destructive Marriage.” This podcast was actually written for someone like me. It is written for those like me who choose to stay in marriages where destructive behaviors have fully manifested past and present. This is where I am. The question that I need to be asking is not: “How can I thrive?” It is: “How can I stay sane??”
How can I stay sane?
This one I have figured out. He is applying for jobs , and he will travel. How will I stay sane?? The million-dollar question. This environment is so unhealthy for me psychologically, mentally, and even physically. I must get stronger. One thing I can do for myself, several actions steps:
- Go through the disclosure, and find out what I am actually dealing with
- Start walking again
- Drink water, lots of it
- Try to sleep at night
- Go to counseling
- Go to group
- Get outside – hopefully it’s no longer going to be freezing
- Volunteer, lots of volunteering
- Write and journal
- Read, read, and read and educate myself on all the things addiction, sexual betrayal, destructive relationships
- Guard my heart
- Stop and smell the flowers
The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. Psalms 145:18 (NIV)