Boundaries.
This is personal.
This is necessary.
This is hard.
It needs to be written.
You have to stand firm when boundaries are violated and have options that you will implement if boundaries are crossed.
There needs to be a timeline request if boundaries are violated. For example: “must disclose within 4 hours.”
You need to define “active recovery.” What does that look like?
You need to define “inner circle” vs. “outer circle” behaviors and what you want disclosed.
I made clearly defined boundaries, clearly defined active recovery, and clearly defined options if boundaries were to be crossed.
My best boundary resource: Vicki Tidwell’s Moving Beyond Betrayal The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts. It takes you step by step.
I also made clearly defined requests around recovery for safety.
These are some examples:
No recovery slip/relapse (violation of inner circle behaviors). Must disclose within 4 hours.
4 Words: vigorous honesty, no deception (this includes not withholding important information)
Make all financial accounts, phone accounts, email accounts, social media accounts, etc. transparent and accessible (no secret accounts)
Follow the recommendations of your CSAT.
Text me with any change in plans.
Polygraph every 3 months (1st year), every 6 months (2nd year), 1x a year (3rd year and beyond).
Finally, I made boundaries for keeping myself healthy. I will share these, as they are related to me.
Boundaries for keeping myself regulated, helping myself with triggers, and supporting my body:
I will not start any hard conversations before 9am or after 9pm. If my partner initiates a hard conversation during these hours I will ask him to wait until later. If he continues to talk to me anyway, I will remove myself to another part of the house or leave the house.
I will initiate a 15 minute break from the conversation if either of us become activated. If he continues to talk to me anyway, I will remove myself to another part of the house or leave the house.
I will share my reality openly and honestly while trying to listen to my partner’s reality as openly and honestly as I can.
I will trust my gut.
I will exercise 4-5x a week. I know this really helps me move my emotions through me.
I will prioritize enough sleep & healthy food.
I will incorporate daily spiritual connection via prayer, words from music/Scripture.
I will prioritize time 4-5x a week to listen, write, engage with safe community, and/or reflect on my recovery.
When I feel triggered, I will pause and use my tools:
- Shift from reactivity to responding with my powerful effective voice
- Step out of the gaslighting dance
- Step out of my well-worn reactivity dance pattern
- Think about what I am feeling and what I need
- Ground myself with self care activities, such as going for walk, praying, listening to worship music/audible, taking a break, journaling, reaching out and connecting with a friend, making myself a cup of hot cinnamon tea.
- To “Selah” – pause and reflect
“Boundaries aren’t something you do for another person. Boundaries are something you do for your own self-care, well being, and protection” Vicki Tidwell Palmer
