To heal is not just a matter of the heart but also of the mind. I must begin with my thinking. If I can replace my negative, reoccurring thoughts with empowering beliefs, then I can impact my emotions and hence my behaviors.

I am 16 months post discovery. I have noticed shifts within my shifts. In the beginning I was focused on him, and as I have progressed, even my mindset shifts reflect my focus shift.

1. My healing is not contingent upon his recovery. (powerlessness)
2. His depression cannot own me. (fear)
3. His anger cannot manipulate me. (fear)
4. His rage cannot control me. (fear)
5. He cannot control me. (powerlessness)
6. I can and will see through his lies. (powerlessness)
7. I can and will trust my gut. (fear)
8. I can and will stop carrying his shame. It is not mine to carry. (shame)
9. I will only listen to his behavioral truth. (powerlessness)
10. I am strong enough to leave, but I am choosing to stay. (fear and powerlessness).
11. I will be in awareness when I am in attachment ambivalence. (powerlessness)
12. I will no longer live in blindness. I will be grounded and live in my reality. (fear)
13. He is responsible for his recovery, and I am responsible for mine. (powerlessness)
14. I accept my responsibility for my role in the “dance of gas lighting.” I will choose to step out of the dance. (powerlessness)
15. I cannot rescue him from his addiction or depressive moods. (fear)
16. I will be aware when I am having trauma responses and choose healthier ways to respond. (fear & powerlessness)
17. I will pay attention to my emotions and strive to understand the messages they are telling me. (powerlessness)
18. I will intentionally find ways to provide myself with safety. (fear & powerlessness)
19. I will step back when my boundaries are being violated or ignored. (fear & powerlessness)
20. I will step back when I observe behaviors that indicate he is not safe. (fear & powerlessness)
21. I will “wait and see” for his behaviors to confirm his efforts and commitment to recovery. (fear & powerlessness)
22. I will risk vulnerability when I choose to and rely on my support to help me stay grounded. (fear & powerlessness)
23. I will enjoy sex when I feel safe and am emotionally connected. (fear & powerlessness)
24. I can say yes or no to sex, and I can set boundaries around sex. (fear & powerlessness)
25. I will not engage in sex when I am being used as an object or an accessible source to his addiction. (fear & powerlessness)
26. I will not engage in sex when he is actively involved in his addiction. (powerlessness)
27. I will take risks to connect emotionally and physically with my husband as I trust my gut and rely on my support to help me stay grounded. (fear & powerlessness)
28. I will use my effective voice to express how I feel and what I need. (powerlessness)
29. I will be intentional to calm my over-activated threat system and discern the difference between genuine threat and gut. (powerlessness)
30. I will move my reactions to a more healthy and helpful way to respond. (powerlessness)
31. I choose to be in the relationship to reinvest, rebuild, and repair. (powerlessness)
32. I will continue to make requests, grieve my losses, and focus on my work to heal. (powerlessness)
33. I am doing it differently now. I will pause, reflect, and sit in the uncomfortable. (fear & powerlessness)

My Mindset Shifts (17 months post discovery)

1. I am married to a chronic liar. He will continue to lie and deceive me. I can and will stay in awareness, ground myself in my reality, and use my powerful effective voice when this happens.
2. I will trust my gut, discern lies from truth, and notice the cloud of deception as it unfolds before my eyes.
3. I will stand firm in my reality when faced with gaslighting.
4. I will not get caught up in the gaslighting dance.
5. When I choose to- I will bring my authentic self to others & risk vulnerability to find true intimacy & connection.
6. My goal to heal: secure attachment to self/others-Brown & Elliot Attachment Disorders in Adults: 1. A felt sense of safety, 2. Feeling seen and known, 3. A felt sense of comfort/soothing and reassurance., 4. Feeling valued and delighted in, 5. Feeling a “sense of support for being and becoming one’s unique best self.”
7.  I will continue to hold firm to 4 words: vigorous honesty, no deception. The ship will not sail w/out these 4 words.
8. My goal words for life: confidence, security, and trust in my resilience and my resourcefulness.
9. My prayer: to see his addiction accurately and deal with it appropriately.
10. I claim these words: Michelle Mays—“I know if the worst would happen I will be sad, scared, etc. However, I am going to be okay because I have tools for safety.”
11. I have the ability to make good decisions about my future.
12. I am stronger.
13. My brain protected me when I needed protecting and God’s timing is perfect.
14. I will force myself to engage in acts of “micro-bravery.”
15. I am enough.
16. I can’t control his reactions. I can control my responses and use my powerful effective voice.
17. I can be” velvet steel- soft hearted and stay strong.”
18. I can” overcome and become the most beautiful I was meant to be.”
19. I have a safety plan with steps in place to help me feel more empowered.
20. This is not as good as it will get–I will not make an emotional home in the fear state.
21. I will not make an emotional home in the powerless state.
22. I will not make an emotional home in the shame state—when feeling carried shame, I will envision physically removing shackles of shame around my body and saying- “This is not my shame to carry.”
23. I can change the dynamics by having the right tools and practicing them.
24. I will use the trauma trigger cascade worksheet to deal with triggers.
25. I am healing and this will eventually be behind me.
26. I will be living in a new state of connection and joy with Peter if we both stay the course.
27. I will be living in a new state of connection and joy if I choose to stay the course.
28. I will confidently create my polygraph questions and uphold my request for scheduled polygraphs (my 3 questions for polygraphs since disclosure: (1) Are you going to tell the truth about your honesty with your wife since your last polygraph? (2)Since your last polygraph have you violated any of the inner circle behaviors we discussed (porn, masturbation, sexual contact outside your marriage)? Since your last polygraph have you lied or withheld any important information from your wife?
29. I will use my powerful effective voice instead of getting caught in the trauma trigger cascade of reactivity.
30. I am clear on my boundaries and have the grit and strength to stick to all of it.
31. I learn from my mistakes: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
32. I “carpe diem” and look for beauty in the insignificant life moments.
33. I can do –and I am doing–HARD THINGS.
34. I can change my beliefs regardless of my circumstance.
35. My beliefs impact my thinking, my emotions, and my behaviors. It starts with my mindset, and I can actively work on calming and soothing my activated threat center while also changing the patterns of negative interpretation that are taking root.
36. I have bottom lines,(non-negotiables) and have the grit and strength to stick to it.

My Inspiring Quotes

My life has been interrupted with sexual betrayal. I am choosing how I show up and how I move forward.

“Our painful experiences aren’t a liability—they’re a gift. They give us perspective and meaning, an opportunity to find our unique purpose and our strength.”
― Edith Eger, The Choice: Embrace the Possible

“Time heals all wounds” is a fallacy. Time does not heal all wounds. We can only heal when we choose do the work to heal.

Time doesn’t heal. It’s what you do with the time. Healing is possible when we choose to take responsibility, when we choose to take risks, and finally, when we choose to release the wound, to let go of the past or the grief.”
― Edith Eger, The Choice: Embrace the Possible

In 2024 I give up the need for a different past. I no longer long for a different past. I long for a different future.

“To forgive is to grieve—for what happened, for what didn’t happen—and to give up the need for a different past.”
― Edith Eger, The Choice

I can’t change what happened to me, but I can choose to live fully now.

“Here you are! In the sacred present. I can’t heal you—or anyone—but I can celebrate your choice to dismantle the prison in your mind, brick by brick. You can’t change what happened, you can’t change what you did or what was done to you. But you can choose how you live now. My precious, you can choose to be free.”
― Edith Eger, The Choice

For the past year I focused on what I lost. This year I want to shift my focus from what I lost to what I still have.

“It’s the first time I see that we have a choice: to pay attention to what we’ve lost or to pay attention to what we still have.”
― Edith Eger, The Choice