Continue to reflect and write your empowering beliefs. They will morph and change as you grow. Through these you can identify your personal growth and see where you are slipping back into negative thought patterns.
My Mindset Shifts (17 months post discovery):
- I am married to a chronic liar. He will continue to lie and deceive me. I can and will stay in awareness, ground myself in my reality, and use my powerful effective voice when this happens.
- I will trust my gut, discern lies from truth, and notice the cloud of deception as it unfolds before my eyes.
- I will stand firm in my reality when faced with gaslighting.
- I will not get caught up in the gaslighting dance.
- When I choose to- I will bring my authentic self to others & risk vulnerability to find true intimacy & connection.
- My goal to heal: secure attachment to self/others-Brown & Elliot Attachment Disorders in Adults: 1. A felt sense of safety, 2. Feeling seen and known, 3. A felt sense of comfort/soothing and reassurance., 4. Feeling valued and delighted in, 5. Feeling a “sense of support for being and becoming one’s unique best self.”
- I will continue to hold firm to 4 words: vigorous honesty, no deception. The ship will not sail w/out these 4 words.
- My goal words for life: confidence, security, and trust in my resilience and my resourcefulness.
- My prayer: to see his addiction accurately and deal with it appropriately.
- I claim these words: Michelle Mays—“I know if the worst would happen I will be sad, scared, etc. However, I am going to be okay because I have tools for safety.”
- I have the ability to make good decisions about my future.
- I am stronger.
- My brain protected me when I needed protecting and God’s timing is perfect.
- I will force myself to engage in acts of “micro-bravery.”
- I am enough.
- I can’t control his reactions. I can control my responses and use my powerful effective voice.
- I can be” velvet steel- soft hearted and stay strong.”
- I can” overcome and become the most beautiful I was meant to be.”
- I have a safety plan with steps in place to help me feel more empowered.
- This is not as good as it will get–I will not make an emotional home in the fear state.
- I will not make an emotional home in the powerless state.
- I will not make an emotional home in the shame state—when feeling carried shame, I will envision physically removing shackles of shame around my body and saying- “This is not my shame to carry.”
- I can change the dynamics by having the right tools and practicing them.
- I will use the trauma trigger cascade worksheet to deal with triggers.
- I am healing and this will eventually be behind me.
- I will be living in a new state of connection and joy with Peter if we both stay the course.
- I will be living in a new state of connection and joy if I choose to stay the course.
- I will confidently create my polygraph questions and uphold my request for scheduled polygraphs (my 3 questions for polygraphs since disclosure: (1) Are you going to tell the truth about your honesty with your wife since your last polygraph? (2)Since your last polygraph have you violated any of the inner circle behaviors we discussed (porn, masturbation, sexual contact outside your marriage)? Since your last polygraph have you lied or withheld any important information from your wife?
- I will use my powerful effective voice instead of getting caught in the trauma trigger cascade of reactivity.
- I am clear on my boundaries and have the grit and strength to stick to all of it.
- I learn from my mistakes: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
- I “carpe diem” and look for beauty in the insignificant life moments.
- I can do –and I am doing–HARD THINGS.
- I can change my beliefs regardless of my circumstance.
- My beliefs impact my thinking, my emotions, and my behaviors. It starts with my mindset, and I can actively work on calming and soothing my activated threat center while also changing the patterns of negative interpretation that are taking root.
- I have bottom lines,(non-negotiables) and have the grit and strength to stick to it.
