Lesson 9: My Empowering Beliefs

To heal is not just a matter of the heart but also of the mind. I must begin with my thinking. If I can replace my negative, reoccurring thoughts with empowering beliefs, then I can impact my emotions and hence my behaviors.

I am 16 months post discovery. I have noticed shifts within my shifts. In the beginning I was focused on him, and as I have progressed, even my mindset shifts reflect my focus shift.

1. My healing is not contingent upon his recovery. (powerlessness)
2. His depression cannot own me. (fear)
3. His anger cannot manipulate me. (fear)
4. His rage cannot control me. (fear)
5. He cannot control me. (powerlessness)
6. I can and will see through his lies. (powerlessness)
7. I can and will trust my gut. (fear)
8. I can and will stop carrying his shame. It is not mine to carry. (shame)
9. I will only listen to his behavioral truth. (powerlessness)
10. I am strong enough to leave, but I am choosing to stay. (fear and powerlessness).
11. I will be in awareness when I am in attachment ambivalence. (powerlessness)
12. I will no longer live in blindness. I will be grounded and live in my reality. (fear)
13. He is responsible for his recovery, and I am responsible for mine. (powerlessness)
14. I accept my responsibility for my role in the “dance of gas lighting.” I will choose to step out of the dance. (powerlessness)
15. I cannot rescue him from his addiction or depressive moods. (fear)
16. I will be aware when I am having trauma responses and choose healthier ways to respond. (fear & powerlessness)
17. I will pay attention to my emotions and strive to understand the messages they are telling me. (powerlessness)
18. I will intentionally find ways to provide myself with safety. (fear & powerlessness)
19. I will step back when my boundaries are being violated or ignored. (fear & powerlessness)
20. I will step back when I observe behaviors that indicate he is not safe. (fear & powerlessness)
21. I will “wait and see” for his behaviors to confirm his efforts and commitment to recovery. (fear & powerlessness)
22. I will risk vulnerability when I choose to and rely on my support to help me stay grounded. (fear & powerlessness)
23. I will enjoy sex when I feel safe and am emotionally connected. (fear & powerlessness)
24. I can say yes or no to sex, and I can set boundaries around sex. (fear & powerlessness)
25. I will not engage in sex when I am being used as an object or an accessible source to his addiction. (fear & powerlessness)
26. I will not engage in sex when he is actively involved in his addiction. (powerlessness)
27. I will take risks to connect emotionally and physically with my husband as I trust my gut and rely on my support to help me stay grounded. (fear & powerlessness)
28. I will use my effective voice to express how I feel and what I need. (powerlessness)
29. I will be intentional to calm my over-activated threat system and discern the difference between genuine threat and gut. (powerlessness)
30. I will move my reactions to a more healthy and helpful way to respond. (powerlessness)
31. I choose to be in the relationship to reinvest, rebuild, and repair. (powerlessness)
32. I will continue to make requests, grieve my losses, and focus on my work to heal. (powerlessness)
33. I am doing it differently now. I will pause, reflect, and sit in the uncomfortable. (fear & powerlessness)