I was ready to move forward w/couples counseling immediately, but after this experience of you “speaking for me” which continues to be an ongoing issue in our marriage, I am choosing to do things differently.
I am going to continue to do my work and focus on my own process of healing,
I am finding my voice by making clear requests.
I no longer want to remain silent, nor do I want to be reactive but rather come into clarity of what the situation really is, acknowledge my reality, and slow the trauma trigger cascade. I am doing it differently by learning to take a step back & intentionally decide how I want to respond. I am learning to make choices to take care of myself, protect myself, and disengage from unhealthy interactions. This is a long road, & a hard one at that, but the path is slowly being paved for me to first find my way & then my voice. This path has been hidden or rather not visible to me because I was entangled in betrayal blindness and years of a distorted reality.
I am determined to stop letting his behaviors determine my behaviors and to stop allowing his reality to define my reality. I’m not there yet- but I CAN SEE a path – a well-trodden path, paved by all the courageous women continuing daily to brave hope and brave connection. Can you hear my voice this time?
“Like a small boat on the ocean
Sending waves big waves into motion
Like how a single word can make a heart open
I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion
And all of those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream ‘em loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?” from Fight Song by Rachel Platten
I no longer want to remain silent, nor do I want to be reactive but rather come into clarity of what the situation really is, acknowledge my reality, and slow the trauma trigger cascade. I am doing it differently by learning to take a step back & intentionally decide how I want to respond. I am learning to make choices to take care of myself, protect myself, and disengage from unhealthy/harmful interactions. This is a long road, & a hard one at that, but the path is slowly being paved for me to first find my way & then gradually begin to operate from my personal power center. This path has been hidden or rather not visible to me because I was entangled in betrayal blindness, conditioned to remain silent due to fear of his reactivity/threats to harm himself/abandonment, confused/disoriented/blindsided by the years gaslighting, damaged by a year of trickle truth (FTD last July), caught in the constant trauma trigger cascade, & held hostage by a secret sexual world that I did not know existed for 16 years of our marriage.
I am determined to stop giving away my power to him, to stop letting his behaviors determine my behaviors, to stop allowing his reality to define my reality. I’m not there yet- but I CAN SEE a path – a well trodden path, paved by all of you courageous women continuing daily to brave hope.